I disagree with most of these (giving as much reason as you).

The only device that I really want connected is my lawn sprinkler system so that it can check the weather before using a lot of potable water

Do you really mean "cloud connected"? Having an app for a coffee machine sounds good. Having to connect my coffee machine to my wifi, so it can stream my coffee drinking habits to shady retailers, and upsell me subscription to paid features (sorry, you didn't pay $2 this month to unlock late macchiato, would you like Americano instead?). After you create an account, of course.

Even worse if you literally can't use your coffee machine without connecting it to the cloud.

I feel similarly about the rest of the things you listed. But I don't mind having the option, as long as it's completely optional (because I don't want to use it). But because of how capitalism works, it is very hard for the MBAs in management to resist the urge to cloud-wall features.